“I was afraid that if I told you about the trial, you’d start hoping.”
I stared at him.
“And?”
“And if it failed…”
His voice cracked.
“I didn’t want to watch hope disappear from your face.”
I sat beside him.
He reached for my hand.
“I wasn’t promised anything.”
“What are the chances?”
He looked away.
“Not good.”
“How not good?”
“Low.”
I closed my eyes.
So that was the plan.
He wasn’t secretly cured.
He wasn’t secretly dying faster.
He was taking a chance.
A dangerous one.
The doctors had found an experimental treatment that might give him more time.
Maybe much more.
But there were risks.
And Ben had decided to keep the possibility from me until after our wedding.
He wanted one day where I wasn’t his caregiver.
One day where he wasn’t a diagnosis.
One day where he was simply my husband.
I understood.
But understanding didn’t erase the hurt.
“Did your doctor agree to this?”
Ben nodded.
“She thought you should know.”
“Then why didn’t she tell me?”
“Because I asked her not to.”
I looked at him.
“Ben.”
“I’m sorry.”
I started crying.
“So you made me marry you believing you were going to die.”
His expression crumpled.
“No.”
“That’s exactly what happened.”
“I wanted you to marry me because you loved me.”
“I did love you.”
“I know.”
“I still do.”
He reached for me.
I pulled away.
Not because I didn’t love him.
Because I did.
Too much.
And suddenly the possibility of losing him felt even more real.
For the next hour, we talked.
Really talked.
About fear.
About death.
About treatment.
About the future.
About the possibility that the trial could fail.
About the possibility that it could work.
Eventually, Ben admitted that he had been writing letters because he was afraid.
One for my birthday.
One for the anniversary of our first date.
One for the day I might need to say goodbye.
One simply titled:
**For the woman who knew me before I knew myself.**
That one destroyed me.
I opened it.
Inside was a handwritten message.
He wrote about the day we met.
The cookie.
My backpack.
The first time he realized he loved me.
Our first argument.
Our first kiss.
The proposal.
The wedding we never had.
And finally, our hospital wedding.
He wrote that if his body failed him, he wanted me to remember that his life had not been a tragedy.
Because he’d had me.
He’d had love.
He’d had laughter.
He’d had a childhood.
He’d had ordinary days.
And now he had a wife.